I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.