Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
good work, detective
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.