Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
You Might Also Like
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.