My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
6: are snakes just neck?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.