Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Me checking my bank balance online.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.