When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
TEETH IS INNOCENT
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE