I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
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I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
road rage
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar