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I had to Stop for this
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.