Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
This will never not be funny to me.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Breaking news:
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields