I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
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*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though