the battle rages on
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u