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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Feel. He’s so soft.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.