doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Merry Christmas
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Education is vital
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
ok this is my dumbest yet
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.