KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
For once I鈥檇 like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I鈥檓 being identified in a police lineup.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill鈥檚 Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff鈥檚 badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 supposed to say THAT here.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister鈥檚 friends she wasn鈥檛 home it was so I didn鈥檛 have to take the phone to her.
No matter how bad a day I鈥檓 having at work at least there鈥檚 no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don鈥檛 even turn the stove burner on in the first place
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn鈥檛 share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.