No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
(Jupiter –
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
This was the best day of my life
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.