“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.