Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.