[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
me, after any kind of buffet.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house