Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it