Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
i really liked this one
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.