Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“Wait, let me explain..”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
incredible
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.