i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
⛄️
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’