Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.