do horses think humans are hats
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.