[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.