FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired