I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.