5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
me hitting on a model
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Need this in my life lol
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?