I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.