Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
How all things should be taught/explained.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?