Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
You Might Also Like
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest