interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I occasionally drink every single night.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?