i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.