Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.