Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.