I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”