4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Oh no
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH