[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Good morning
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar