A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
i choose….tongue
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock