The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Lmfao
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…