Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*