Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
This line from Airplane.