great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Perfect
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
How your email finds me
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender