Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.