I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
You know when you鈥檝e taken your glasses off but it feels like they鈥檙e still on your head? I鈥檓 like that but with pants. I鈥檝e literally just touched my head but my pants weren鈥檛 there.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
馃ぃ
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he鈥檚 13, I鈥檒l be going to bed at sunrise.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let鈥檚 discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you鈥檙e getting pee on my shoes.