[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything