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This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?