It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
You Might Also Like
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity