2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
he chose this
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.