Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Catercrombie & Fish
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.